Zombie Apocalypse

Top Reasons Why My Zombie Apocalypse Plan is Already 1,000 Times Better Than the 1st 6 Episodes of The Walking Dead

Alright, so I’m a little late to The Walking Dead party & I have only recently just finished the first 6 episodes of the 1st season.  Good show.  Great concept.  approximately 1 trillion moments where I say “Seriously???  This is the best idea  you’ve got???  You know those are zombies, right?”  Now, as you read this, remember I’ve only seen the 1st 6 episodes, so if I mention something & you’re thinking “well, they fixed that in Season 2″ – HUZZAH!  Good to know & I’ll see it soon enough.  But for now, just remember I haven’t seen those hypothetical fixes yet.

Step 1 – No Camping- find a structure.   Now, I could really just stop right there & that, in it of itself, is a million dollar solution way better than friggin camping.  These asshats set up a goddamn tent camp like they are touring Yellowstone & then are shocked & appalled when the camp gets invaded by flesh-eating zombies.  Camping?  Seriously?  Tent camping when there’s zombies running amok? 

Step 2 – Not just any structure, a rap mogul’s estate or southern plantation.   So the show is set in Atlanta, right?  That place is crawling with giant mansions and/or old plantation homes.  And should you not live near the Atlanta area when the zombie apocalypse strikes – no worries, I’m sure there’s something equivalent where you live (and if not – see step 3).  The theory of a giant mansion is this – big ass house, sprawling land (the fewer trees the better).  Plop yourself in this big house and board the shit out of it….then you have solid structure around you & (hopefully) LOTS of space outside the walls where you can watch the dead hit your property, giving you plenty of time to shoot them.

Step 3 – Take over a car dealership.  Ok, so a giant estate isn’t handy – what about a car dealership.  Hear me out.  Everyone of those cars on the lot is typically full of gas (which you will need lots of in the event the world is ending).  You find that master key box & take that shit over & you now have an entire fleet of vehicles at your disposal.  You wanna up the ante?  Find yourself a dealership with some SUV Hybrids….then you have the girth of an SUV & some better gas mileage (which will be important when the corner QT or BP is being run by the undead).  The folks on Walking Dead are cruising around in giant gas guzzlers, yet they know gas is scare….why not have an entire fleet of cars ready to roll (or at least gas tanks to syphon).  Yes, I realize that car dealerships are typically made entirely of glass, and admittedly I haven’t work that part out yet.  BUT, the rest of the plan is pretty damn solid.

Step 4 – Dig yourself a moat.  I have yet to see a zombie with the ability to swim.  So once you find your plantation/estate/car dealership, now you need to steal yourself a Ditch Witch & start digging.  Step 1 may be just a big ditch surrounding your structure.  Hopefully these zombies can’t climb.  Phase 2 may be to upgrade to a jungle ditch which includes spikes sticking up from the ground.  Should said zombies walk into trench then they get speared (which hopefully at least traps them long enough to get shot).  Final phase would be to add water so they can’t swim into your backyard.  All of this takes time, so I’m assuming that zombie apocalypse is the new reality.  But the show said something about 120 days into said apocalypse, which is a lot of time.  If I can dig out a space for a flagstone patio in a weekend, trust me, I can dig a friggin moat in 120 days.

I’m sure there’s more & as I continue watching the show, I’m sure there will be more moments where I will be screaming at the TV at their utter stupidity……so stay tuned for further advice on how to survive the zombie apocalypse.

Those Who Find A Way

About 2 months ago (no one ever accused me of being quick), a friend posted a quote as their status update on Facebook.  At the time I didn’t put much stock in it, but as the days passed it seemed to resonate more & more with me.  Of course, I can’t remember who wrote it, or if it was their own quote or if they “borrowed” from someone else, so if this is your loosely translated version of a status update, thanks. 

Those who want to be in your life will always find a way.

No doubt, lives are busy.  Kids, Work, Houses, Commutes, Chores, Errands, Laundry, School, Dinner, Pets, Neighbors….it never ends.  But though all that, there is time to call or send an email or have lunch.  Sometimes there’s even time for a night out, or cocktails.  The point is, if someone wants to be a part of your life, they will make an effort to do so.

This statement has affected me from two sides: as the one whose life is or isn’t being impacted, and as the one who is or isn’t impacting someone else. 

I’ve never been one to complain about Facebook (ok……complain A LOT anyway), because I feel like it helps those circles of my life intersect.  I am friends on Facebook with people who I’d be friends with in “real life”.  Most of my FB Friends are people I talk with on a regular basis & for that I’m thankful.  To me, the people who want to be in my life are the ones who may not always comment on my posts or send me messages, but simply “like” my latest photo or maybe even say “CUTE!” when I tell a story about my kids.  I know that they want to be part of my life and maybe their lives are too busy to do more than a simple “like”, and I’m ok with that. 

I also know that I’m not always good about reciprocating &,  for some, I’m sorry about that.  For others, it’s a reality check for me.  Lately my interactions, address book, call log, friends list are all being evaluated.  I ask myself  “if I want to be in their life, I will find a way”…….for some, I realize that I need to make more of an effort to make that happen.  For others, well…….you may soon be deleted from a list.  I encourage all of you to do the same.  Life is too busy to try to keep relationships alive when you’re the only one trying.  Because I like all of you, I want  you to surround yourself with people who genuinely want to be around you, not those who just want to spy on your photos from your vacation.  (and if I find myself keeping you as a friend JUST for that reason……well, your friend list may get a little lighter too).

Ask yourself, are they giving as much as I am?  If the answer is no, do you want to give more, or do you want to find someone who finds a way to give as much as you do?  I’m not saying there’s a right or wrong answer – I’m just giving you the question to ask.

But, for all of you who routinely find a way, I thank you and I will do my best to make sure I do the same.

2011 In Review…..The Report

Many who read this status report of my blog may think “whoopie.  That’s it?”   But for me, I’m shouting from the rooftops & thank all of you who followed me through 2011 & the trial phase of Hollidanger!  I assure you that 2012 will be an even better year for blogging & look forward to having more & more of you reading all of the poignant, insightful, brilliant things I have to say……or maybe just the stuff I complain about & how may times I say “eff”.

Thank you all!  Welcome to 2012!!

The WordPress.com stats helper monkeys prepared a 2011 annual report for this blog.

Here’s an excerpt:

A San Francisco cable car holds 60 people. This blog was viewed about 1,300 times in 2011. If it were a cable car, it would take about 22 trips to carry that many people.

Click here to see the complete report.

Things I Did Not Take Proper Advantage of Prior to Having Children

1. The ability to watch a movie.  In all reality this really encompasses movies, TV shows, the news…anything that doesn’t involve animation.  Prior to having children I had full control of the remote and could watch absolutely anything at any time of day.  I vividly remember numerous lazy Sundays watching one movie after another.  Now I’m lucky to watch anything in its entirety.  Whenever we do have time to watch a movie we take 30 minutes to debate how best to use the time…..can’t use up the movie window on something like Harold & Kumar’s Chanukah Adventure in Kosovo.  And even in the off-chance I do have a moment to watch something, I have to make sure it’s child appropriate. A lesson put into action this very morning while watching Lady Gaga on HBO…..thank goodness Lucas is here to remind me that “Asshole” is a bad word & tell me that “She don’t have on any clothes.”

2. The ability to go anywhere.  Prior to children all I would need was my wallet & I was out.  Now, it takes 60 minutes of prep time, a diaper bag filled with 3 dozen items to fix any possible problem that may arise, and a detailed itinerary to ensure we have enough supplies to make the round trip journey.  Remember those days when you just left.  You had no idea how long you’d be gone or where the day would end up, you just knew you were meeting your friend somewhere….and the rest was history.  Not so much now.  Errands and outings are carefully crafted around nap schedules and meal time.

3. The ability to sit in complete silence. Now this comes only late at night when both children are tucked in bed – maybe.  But aside from those few hours, silence is a priceless commodity.  There is ALWAYS noise with children.  The TV, a toy, the endless chatter, crying, whining, “Mama I need more juice”, random banging or slamming or yelling.  It just never ends.  Unless you have kids, it is impossible to accurately convey how there is always some sort of noise.  I woke up last night to go to the bathroom, and was just in awe at how still my house was.  Apparently if I want to hear nothing, it happens at 3:30 am.

4. The ability to eat a hot meal.  You know the scene in A Christmas Story where Ralphie says “My mother has not had a hot meal for herself in fifteen years,”….well I’m 4 years into that 15.  Cooking dinner becomes chopping up bite sized pieces of whatever so that little mouths & fingers can eat, ensuring that the juice cups are filled and there are plenty of options on the table.  What this means is that I spend the majority of dinner time cutting up food for someone else instead of eating.  Eating out really is a more of a chore than a treat, again due to the oversized bag of tricks needed to make it through the meal and the fact that I don’t want to be “that mom” with “those kids” ruining everyone else’s leisurely paced dinner.

5. The ability to sleep in.  (Notice the time I’ve posted this blog)  Children are the human equivalent to a rooster.  Day breaks & they rush to action like an emergency responder.  Did you know you can buy a little clock with a sun & a moon on it to teach your children when it’s ok to get out of bed?  I’m sure that works out awesomely when you have a kid old enough to reason with.  Will someone please invent the same sort of clock for my 10 month old.  She seems to think it’s totally ok to wake up at 1 am, 3 am and 5:30 am.  True Story: When my husband & I were just dating, but living together, someone had the audacity to start mowing their lawn at 9:30 in the morning.  I got out bed, stomped down the street and angrily pointed to my watch to explain my displeasure.  With children,by  9:30 I’ve already made & cleaned up breakfast, run & emptied the dishwasher, moved a few loads of laundry, listened to 1 Disney movie, reviewed the sale ads for the week, and plotted my day’s course (as best as you can with kids).  So of course there’s more than enough time to also mow the effing lawn.

6. The ability to pee in peace.  Seriously.  Not even 5 minutes can go by without “Mama!  Mama! I need ______.”   And when the cries go unanswered don’t think they will drop it, they will search you out while sitting on the toilet.  There is NO such thing as privacy & your bathroom habits are just another game of “But Why?”

I know there’s more, but quite frankly I have to get breakfast ready.

And for the record……………in theory it’s all worth it.  Especially when one of those human roosters comes in, unprompted and says “Mama, I like you.” 

Why I Suck At Blogging

Considering it’s been nearly a month since my last post here are the Top 5 Reasons why I suck at blogging:

1.  I work full time.  I love my job.  I do.  But it takes up quite a bit of time during the day, thus leaving at least 40+ hours per week that I am unable to blog.

2.  I am a mom to two children.  Now, before all you other moms out there start telling me about your 3, 4, 5, 12 kids & how they are all under the age of 4 & you don’t know busy until you’ve had to dress x # of kids, while trying to get a snack for x # of kids, while there was x # of kids who needed a nap, let me just say – “you know better than anyone what little timesuckers they are.”   Because they are.  Their chubby little faces (usually covered with some sort of unknown sticky substance) are irresitable….but they are also complete time hoggers.

3.  I have a house.  Which constantly needs some sort of upkeep & it’s stupid.  I mean damn.  If it’s not laundry, it’s dishes.  If it’s not dishes, it’s picking up Hot Wheels.  If it’s not Hot Wheels it’s something equally BS.  C’mon, We just paid bills last month!

4.  I apparently have nothing interesting to say.  Every time I think I’ve come up with a topic, eh.  It’s not really a topic.  It’s a badass Facebook status update, but an actually 200+ word blog, not so much.

5.  ……………………..And there you have it.  I don’t even have a 5th excuse.

So, the moral of the story is – I will try to keep up, but unfortunately I’ve got bigger fish to fry.

Why I’m Afraid I May Be Too Old For The VMA’s

Admittedly I didn’t watch the whole thing.  That right there is reason enough why I’m probably too old.  I can remember waiting & waiting & waiting for the VMA’s!  I was sooooo excited to see all my favorites show up in whatever rockstar-gypsy-slut outfit they happen to concoct.  So the fact that I was watching True Blood instead of the VMA’s should be an indicator that I’m too old for the VMA’s.

Another reason I may be too old is because I didn’t know who all the nominees were for Best New Artist.  Now I consider myself pretty hip when it comes to music & I still listen to all the Pop channels & like to find new music where I can.  But some Vlad the Impaler or something won best new artist.  I have no idea.  But apparently his mom, or his aunt or something was INCREDIBLY proud of him because she kept screaming Thank You Jesus.  I wouldn’t know this guy if he was in front of me at McDonald’s, but congrats.  Apparently you deserve it.

What’s up with Lady Gaga dressed and acting like her alter-ego Joe Something all night.  Seriously?  Was the egg busy?  Didn’t she get the memo that Garth Brooks/Chris Gaines didn’t go over so well?  I don’t hate her, but I don’t totally get her either.  I love the message that you were Born This Way – that’s great.  Be who you are & embrace it.  Apparently she’s a little unclear on who she is, but one thing is very obvious:  Lady Gaga is incredibly uncomfortable wearing boyfriend jeans & an Old Navy T-shirt.  You heard it here first.

Katy Perry and some effing box on her head?  What the hell?  Madonna did some jacked up stuff back in the day, but I don’t ever remember her strapping a goddamned yellow cube to her head.  I love me some Katy Perry, but I’m pretty sure even she thought the box was a stupid idea.

Whatever happened to Nirvana trashing all their gear after their performance, leading to Chris Novoselic getting clocked in the face with his bass.  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BmwMlo6k38I&feature=fvstOr.  Or Fiona Apple telling me this whole world is Bullshit. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GSLwYrPbuts.  Classic, original WTF moments.

Sadly, I think that I have outgrown the better part of MTV.  When the Jersey Shore kids get equal billing to Tony Bennett, something is amiss.  (BTW – Tony Bennet was at the VMAs.  For real.  THE I left my heart in San Fransisco Tony Bennett.  So clearly HE’S not too old for the VMA’s).  HOWEVER, there is still that 15 year old wild-child in me that gets a kick out of all of it, which is why I will gladly watch with my kids when they get older.  I am hoping that this trend of pushing the envelope slows a little, because eventually you end up with someone trying to be so cutting edge they end up with a friggin box on their head.  Seriously!  did you see it?!?!?!  C’mon.

 

 

To RockStar Moms Everywhere

I have never really got into a “Facebook Fight” really & didn’t really ever understand them &  I never intended for this type of subject to be a blog topic……………………..but……………….

I’m really tired of being made to feel like a bad mom because of the choices I make.  “What do you mean?” you may be asking.  Let me start by saying that I fully understand & support that everyone is entitled to their opinions – & typically I welcome those opinions!  But for some reason, today, I’ve just had enough.  So I’m standing up for all mamas everywhere.

Unless you are leaving your kids in a locked car on a 90 degree day – YOU ARE A GOOD MOM!

Unless you are drunk at 2 in the afternoon while your kids are watching Barney for the 1000th time – YOU ARE A GOOD MOM!

Unless you have sold your children on the black market for weed money – YOU ARE A GOOD MOM!

Ultimately, I’m fed up with the judgi-ness of other moms.  Being a parent is a hard enough job without having to feel like you’re not living up to the standards of all the other moms.

Let me give you MY story:  I have two babies.  Both delivered by c-section.  I tried breast-feeding my youngest for about 30 minutes before I decided it just wasn’t for me.  I use/used disposable diapers.  I had both babies co-sleep for the first 3-6 months.  My oldest still has a pacifier when he goes to bed.  I’m not happy about it, but I’m also not so worried that he’ll go to college with it.  Most of their clothes come from Target – but every so often I’ll splurge on something designer because it’s just too cute to pass up.  I saved all of my son’s stuff so that I can re-use a good portion for my daughter – she doesn’t care that her Bumbo chair is blue & not pink.  My youngest had acid reflux & needed to sleep with her head elevated for the first 4 months so we bought her a ridiculously overpriced pillow so we could all sleep.  Now she sleeps on her stomach because she just rolls there.  My son LOVES Transformers & he’s 3.  My daughter LOVES cats & she’s 8 months.  I work full time.  I desperately miss my kids during the day, but I also know I do not have the patience to be a stay-at-home-mom.

I’m sure at least once during that previous paragraph, you judged me & how I’m raising my children & I’m here to ask you kindly to please stop.  Maybe you don’t agree with my decision to have c-sections.  Maybe you would sooner die than formula feed your baby.  Maybe you buy nothing but Polo or Prada to dress you baby in.  Great.  That’s how YOU are choosing to raise your kid.  If YOU are happy with your choices & you can afford your choices & your baby isn’t in any of the predicaments I mentioned earlier like being locked in a hot car - I have no problem with it. 

I love that some moms are so passionate about their choices that they want to shout it from the rooftops. I think its great that you had a great experience breastfeeding or having a water birth or using cloth diapers & I fully support you chiming in on how great all that is.  BUT, what I don’t support is being made to feel that because I DIDN’T choose those options, I’m somehow a lesser mom.  Or more importantly, that I don’t or didn’t make the best decision for my child.

We – all moms - are just doing what we can to survive the day.  We need to support each other & raise each other up – not judge. 

So listen up.  You have done an AMAZING job today.  Maybe you breastfed.  Maybe you bottle fed formula.  Maybe the baby is sleeping in your arms.  Or is sleeping on expensive, high thread count sheets.  Maybe you spent all day with her singing songs & reading books, or maybe you cuddled her as much as you could once you got off work and finished making dinner.  Maybe tomorrow your plan is to sew a dress for your daughter or perhaps you have a board meeting.  You might teach your son the words to Row, Row, Row Your Boat, or you might teach him the words to Bust a Move.   But ultimately, if your baby is going to sleep tonight with a full belly and he/she knows she’s loved – it doesn’t matter how they got there. 

So please, please, kindly stop making me feel guilty for not being a good enough mom.  I do that enough to myself – I don’t need you to judge me too.

Now.  GO BE THE ROCK STAR MOM THAT YOU ARE!

Movie Challenge – It Begins.

As you have probably figured out I haven’t posted in over a week.  I can tell you why.  After deciding to move forward with the movie challenge I sat and struggled with how to actually move forward with the challenge. 

First step:  it is really a 38-ish Day Movie Challenge.   As I mentioned before, I found two separate movie challenges online – both with highs & lows, so I went through & picked the ones that I most wanted to talk about.  And, as you can see, I threw in the “ish” so that if/when I get bored or feel exceptionally chatty, I can drop or add days as I see fit.  Yes.  I am just that cool that I make my own rules like that.

Second step: Skipping Day 1 of both challenges by declaring My Favorite Movie.  Perhaps I will take a stab at that at a later date, but right now it is a task too daunting to even fathom.  Naming my favorite movie is a problem 100x harder than naming my favorite song.

So let’s go with something a little easier.

Your Least Favorite Movie

I’ll be honest….this wasn’t THAT much easier than thinking about (and ultimately skipping) finding your favorite movie.  Because, quite honestly, I will watch damn near anything.  Seriously.  I have voluntarily watched everything from Crossroads to Schindler’s List. 

3rd Place:  The Mothman Prophecies.  I have tried watching this movie twice.  Both times I’ve either fallen asleep or got busy doing something more fascinating, like folding laundry.  Seriously I don’t understand it.

2nd Place: (They will probably revoke my Geek License after this) Lord of the Rings.  I’ll be honest.  I know there are 3…..I don’t know which one is which.  I don’t understand why it’s such a hit.  I don’t get it.  Liv Tyler is an elf or something & Orlando Bloom has a bad blonde wig.  I honestly think it’s too smart for me.  I mean they speak Elfen goddammit.  What is that?!?!?

1st Place: Ernest Goes Anywhere.  I don’t care if he’s going to Jail, or Camp, or Starbucks – they all suck.

Do I really want to do another 30 Day Challenge????

Fresh off the heels of the 30 Day Song Challenge, I’m now trying to decide if I want to jump into the 30 Day Movie Challenge.  I have found 2 different versions of the 30 Day Movie Challenge – both equally awesome….so it would really be a 60 Day Movie Challenge.  FUN!  Talking about movies for 60 days!!

Here’s my hesitation…….it’s another 30-60 flippin days of a challenge.  I’m like the new Morgan Spurlock.  You want something tried out for 30 days, I’m your girl.  Except for maybe 30 days of pickle recipes, in which case you can just get the hell out of my face…cause there is NO way that’s happening.

The commitment to another challenge is a lot.  Especially with the two wee beasts at home.  And I do work full time.  And blah, blah, blah.  Excuses, excuses.

So, I shall pose the question to you…..my faithful readers.  (see what I did there?  I’m assuming I have faithful readers & just gave them a shout-out!).   Do you want to hear about my picks in movies for the next 30-60 days?

Day 30 Song Challenge

Your Favorite Song At This Time Last Year

Before we get into the FINAL day, can I just say I am both relieved and a bit bummed that I’m done.  It seemed that a simple 30 day challenge took the better part of 6 months.  Yet, it was so much fun thinking about some of these categories & remembering great days and, of course, listening to great music. 

Looking back I’m somewhat amazed at all the songs I picked.  I feel a little guilty – like certain genres I listen to didn’t get enough recognition.  Or I didn’t acknowledge some of my most favorite stuff (like Modest Mouse: Float On or Lazy Eye by Silversun Pickups….oh…..you see what I just did there????).  But I suppose, ultimately, what you’ve seen over the last 30 days is a pretty good representation of the very BROAD scope of music that I enjoy on a pretty regular basis.

So now….my favorite song this time last year!  I don’t have a friggin idea.  1.  I was pregnant which automatically means that if it didn’t involve major bodily harm, it was immediately forgotten.  2.  I have no idea when songs were released & I’m not gonna go searching the internet to figure it out.

So…I’m giving it my best guess.

3rd Place: Little Lion Man – Mumford & Sons  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HsWVDLh6pNI&ob=av2n

2nd Place: Tighten Up - The Black Keys  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mpaPBCBjSVc&ob=av2e

1st Place: Animal – Neon Trees.  I Heart This Song!  Now….I did get a bit tired of it because the program directors at SiriusXM lack the ability to moderate……but now that it’s out of heavy rotation, I can remember how wonderful it is!  AND – should you ever get the chance to see Neon Trees live – Go!  We know I love 30 Seconds to Mars, and last summer they toured together.  Greatest Show Ever!!http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gM7Hlg75Mlo&ob=av2e

 NOW!   Maybe the 30 Day Movie Challenge next?!?!?!?!?!